Friday, February 19, 2010

Trade Season: Williams for Khadr?

After a few major sports trades I came up with some general Canada-America swaps that would favour team Canada on several different levels. Some are serious issues that deserve serious consideration, and others aren't so serious, but may be far more agreeable.

Like anything else I've blogged about, from politics to pop culture, my only goal is that some passionate thought -- whether shared or not, but preferably shared -- is generated.

1. Colonel Russel Williams <--> Omar Khadr

Omar was just 15 when he allegedly threw a grenade killing an American soldier, and the evidence against him is thinner than the barrier between good and evil in Afghanistan. Even if he is guilty, he was 15. Should have been a minor-niner, should have been studying for his G1 test, touching the skin of his first girlfriend. When you’re 15 in a war, you do whatever you’re told to stay alive. There’s no other side of the story but the side you’re on.

Now Coronel Russel Williams, he’s no boy, he is a fucking man. A great white Williams, a military wasp, a UCC boy, Ottawa resident, murderer and rapist (allegedly). It was reported that the victims in the sexual assault cases were bound naked to chairs and photographed by their attacker. A square-jawed coward who took the tools he was given to protect our country and used them against us. Apparently his dark past began when his parents divorced. Boo-fucking-hoo.

This isn’t a Canadian, this isn’t even a human being, so why does he deserve Canada’s leniency? You don’t want him there either, America? Take him to Kandahar with your Marines; take him to the front lines. Show him what happens to rapists and murderers in this decade’s capital of rape and murder. Torture his psyche beyond recognition. Take him to Guantanamo and clog his pores with sweat and blood.
Sometimes we need that Old Testament sternness, that Hova justice.

2. Adam Giambrone <--> Rahm Emanuel

Americans seem to –eventually— appreciate adulterers (Clinton, JFK, etc.), and our government needs a shit-talker to spice things up. I’m also quite certain that Emanuel can run the TTC more efficiently than Giambrone.

3. Harper <--> Obama

Pretty obvious how we’d benefit, but Obama would just be happier here.

4. All professional Canadian golfers <--> Tiger Woods

I’ll take a sex addict any day if he’ll give us an athlete to cheer for year-round.

5. Curling <--> Base-ketball

Yea, it isn’t a real sport, but anything’s better than curling. Curling’s not a sport, it’s a fucking hobby. I’ll admit to having dreamed about Cheryl Bernard, though. Curling does nothing pleasant for our Canadian reputation.

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